An open letter to my partner who might decide to do nothing for this assignment

Dear partner who might decide to do nothing for this assignment,

Hear me out. Before you look at me and decide that I am your easy way out of this project. Let me explain something to you quickly. I know you’re probably thinking that “Oh she’s gonna do it all. She DEFINITELY  has no life.” as you sip on your venti Strawberry Coconut Pinkity Drinkity with extra scoops strawberries because that obviously is better then my three dollar coffee that has 4 extra espresso shots just so I can keep up with your extra obnoxious self.  

You know what, you are wrong. I have a life. And I also don’t just need that coffee because of you, but also because while you were planning out how your shoes needed to match your top perfectly, I was trying not to fall in the snow because my friends decided that two in the morning was the perfect time to go sledding.

We are in this together. Please, I am begging you. Do not make me do all this work by myself. 

You have other classes, yes I get that. And yes I empathize with you, after all — and I know this may come as a shock to you, but — I have other classes too. 

So let’s make this easier for both of us, do the work you said you were going to do.

And if appealing to your sense of justice or fairness or your empathy does not work, then let me warn you: this will be embarrassing for both of us. I will show up to class just to be able to watch you struggle to tell the teacher why our project is not done because I sure as hell am not going to take the blame for you. 

Although if you actually do want to do the work and pass this class we took, I will gladly meet up and finish it in a poorly heated starbucks.

If you want to do the project a certain way, sure lets do it. Tell me what you want, I’ll do it. I am one of the easiest people to be paired up with, as long as you do work. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours, an eye for an eye the whole nine yards. 

I really couldn’t care less if you think that your partner (aka me) is, the gum on the bottom of your shoe, the last person on earth you would save if a World War happened, the most irrelevant person you’ve ever met or that I am a, “freaking annoying idiot” according to what I overheard you saying to Stephanie, who I am sure you don’t even like. 

I’m not going to insult you, we don’t need to like each other, just tolerate each other. 

Please don’t think I am a mean person, I’m actually quite nice, like I’ll volunteer to help you move before you even have a chance to ask, AND NO ONE LIKES MOVING! Yet I will still do that because of how extremely nice I am. You might get annoyed with me because of how nice I am, if anything. 

If you still don’t want to do the work, let me sweeten the deal. I can get you the last mango Juul pods in the city. Does that help?

From the girl who just wants to pass.